I Miss Everything

Single Moms..

Being a single person in general is a difficult task. Adding in a child or children, monumental task! Even though I was married a short time or had a boyfriend at one point in time, I have been and will always be a single Mom. I am singularly taking care of a child. Moms in general are amazing multitaskers... Who would have thought I would be able to drive, talk on the phone, hold a bottle from the front seat, while still eating my cold soggy breakfast... Face it Moms everything is soggy and cold by the time it’s our turn to eat...

We have all heard the list of credentials Moms have... Taxi, baker, nurse, coach, seamstress, teacher, warden... We touch shit men would never get near... the things we pull out of children’s mouths and sometimes diapers is disgusting.. But we do it. Being a Mom is hard work... and when you are a single Mom, your list becomes longer. As hard as it is to be a Mother having to be a Father as well is a huge undertaking... Trying to do it all while never letting it get to you is never easy. I try and save face, not let my frustrations show. I keep wondering if I will be able that role model to her. Can she look to me as a strong female figure? I must be strong to take on being a single Mom.

Then I think of all the real positive things my daughter gets to miss out on. Seeing a functioning relationship of 2 partners who took vows and stuck to them. She doesn’t get her Dad tucking her in at night. She doesn’t have the blessing of a 2 person income to give her the things she needs, save for college, be able to play sports, gymnastics, and dance...She goes to an after school program because her Mommy works so much to be able to make ends meet. I am not there most of the time to check her homework. She barely sees me on weekdays... She is limited to the 1 person trying to do it all. Yes I am proud of myself that I am making it work... I am happy that even without her getting everything I want for her she is still a happy child... But I still wonder how this will shape her life.

Will she look at Men the way I do? Will she be a single Mom like I was, like my Mom was...? Will she despise me for making it hard for her to have a functioning relationship because she was never shown one.

Moms worry about everything! Am I doing a good job? Were my decisions the right ones? Plan the day, Plan the week, Plan the month, year, rest of their life... Sometimes I lay awake in bed making lists... I include a multitude of categories... sometimes I want to turn off my brain like a man.

I love being Kylees Mom. I just dont know if I love being a single Mom.

What do I know...

What do I know I know nothing is easy. Nobody hands me the answers. I'm feeling like I get stuck in a rutt. I get up, take ky to school, go to work, go get ky, dinner, clean, bed, repeat.... I have no social life and no desire for a social life since I am so tired from my daily routine. I am happy though, because it can always be worse. At least I have a job, a stupendous lil girl, a home of my own (even though it costs an arm and a leg), I have a few good friends that I don't spend enough time with, I have my health for the most part minus the occasional cold and kidney stones. I want to say I'm content, but I'm the kind of girl who wants more. I expect more for myself, I expect more out of others. It's not that I'm never happy, I just think we should all strive for more so we don't get comfortable in a rutt. Which is where I'm beginning to think I might be. Comfortable. It's the best and worst word. To be relaxed, feels good. To be accepting of life and it's trials and tabulations to the point where I expect the negative to happen and welcome it, that is not the kind of comfortable I want to be. Have you ever prepared for the worst? Not because you like to be prepared, but because you truly believe the worst will happen. I have lost my faith in mankind, government, the economy, my family, even friends, and mostly men. I prepare for the worst because I trust no one. Growing up in this world has taught me that nothing should be taken for granted. Childhood undoubtably sucked. Being an adult isnt much better. I want more for kylee, more for myself, more for my family, but I have to wonder am I the only person who wants that? The world is full of people who are willing to tear others down to feel better about themselves. People are corrupt. We don't let our children do half the things we enjoyed doing while young. We expect abductions, perverts roam hallways and churches and the Internet. No more walking to school, going down the street to a friends house, sleepovers without a background check, dating.... Dating?!? Let's discuss this on a larger scale. In my own experiences from childhood to my current adult state, men have been abusive, sexual predators, untrustworthy, liars, irresponsible, cheaters, promise breakers, innocence takers.... Big fat fakers.. ( I like to rhyme) What the hell am I supposed to teach my daughter about men. I don't know any good ones. I can tell her what to avoid, but then will there be any men left? I have yet to really feel that I am safe in a mans arms, not a father, boyfriend or husband. Complete letdown to the fairytales I read when young. I hope that changes for Kylee. So my friends, the world hasnt been kind to any of us. It's how you handle the unkindness. Some of us stride through it and others let it take over your life. I'm waiting for the moment where I can stop expecting the unkindness. I await the day that I can say I'm comfortable, in my skin, with my life, with my choices, with your choices, and with the world. The day when I can have faith in mankind, in men, in myself and the future. Faith that there is a silver lining, a happy ending, something to believe in. To expect the good to rise above the bad. I can hope...

You're All I Need...

Making Good Love

Tonight



As we lie basking in the darkness, the subtle kiss of your neck brings the salty sedation to my lips. Our bodies are intertwined as the heat melts us into one. I can feel the friction between our skins, I tremble.


As our hearts beat faster the repetitious movement makes me hold on tighter. The muscles on your back clench as the night continues with every breath felt on our skin. Our senses become undiminished, every drop of sweat is felt, every crease and curve is felt, and every sheet of air that surrounds us is felt. The parchment of our kiss brings thirst to our lips but this feeling is too much to stop.


Holding on, basking in the darkness, the subtle kiss of your lips as they press against mine, brings the thought to me...... I'm in love.

Confessions - Part 1

I have to confess some things..


I pee in the shower

I like chocolate enough to choose it for a meal

I fake the Big "O"and sometimes it’s me, but mostly it’s you...

I don’t like karate/kunfoo/martial arts movies

I don’t like spicy things

I pretend to be into something boring to make guys feel better, like baseball.

I expect you to do the same for me when I like something boring...

I think women are way hotter than men and prefer to see my strippers without swinging balls...

I sometimes dream about people I know in compromising positions

I am blunt, honest, rude, crude and sometimes funny...

I don’t like flowers unless they grow from a pot.

I hate drugs... In fact it’s not even funny to even joke about them with me...

I’m a cheap date and 1 drink gets me tipsy...

I have toys, and not the kind that kids can play with...

I think Clinton was a great president... other than his bad choice in other women...

I want to be married again... possibly kids... but it will take a GREAT guy to climb over the wall i just built

I don’t like animals but I’m a sucker for a sad story and I took 3 in...

That’s possibly why I had shitty relationships too... taking in the poor boys that are damaged goods...

I have OCD; I love to control my surroundings

I love when a guy can plan a date though...

I have moved over 10 times

I have owned over 10 cars

I say yo

I make funny noises when I yawn, hiccup and when it’s cold

I love to eat... Not so healthy...

I am open, I am trustworthy, and I am over sensitive

I trust too much, I trust too little, and never in the right moments...

And it all started...

With this...
I love how no matter what choices I make I'm wrong. When I didn't work and only went to school, it was get a job school is stupid, now that I do work, I work too much, My kid is behind at school, what are you going to do about it Traci, Now that I'm doing something about it, Traci why are you doing what you're doing. First, Fix your own life. You can't tell me I'm a bad parent when you can't act like an adult. Get your license back, pay your bills, get insurance on your car, stop buying shoes when you don't have food. Once you can take care of yourself, then you can chime in about how I raise MY daughter.  Karma is a bitch and everyone gets what they deserve. I will not apologize for doing whatever it takes to help my child succeed in school. I will not take the word of someone who barely made it out of high school over a doctor and teachers. So sick of people who want to PLAY the part but have no REAL responsibility. I feed her, I cloth her, I pay for Daycare, Medical insurance, I choose my house based on where she goes to school, I choose the school based on where she will get the most help, I choose the medicine that will help her the most, affect her the least, I choose to go to these appointments, I choose to put her first even if it means time off work, less money in our household and a hardship for us both. So until YOU can do all of those things BY YOURSELF, DONT PASS JUDGEMENT

Now I sit and ponder.. what have I done to deserve the treatment I get.. Yes I have made mistakes. Yes I am imperfect. I am completely and utterly scared to death of messing up my child's life. When did effort become unimportant? I may not do all the right things and it takes a bunch of wrongs to figure out what is right.  I think Kylee is a wonderful child with an awesome personality. I don't want her to struggle in school. I feel helpless because learning and understanding is harder for her. Focusing is impossible most days and I hate that she crys out of frustration, at home and at school. Shes behind so much more than normal. Of course the idiot who, for now, shall remain nameless, says "Oh its normal, all kids have learning problems." Between me, her teacher and her doctor we will find the right combination of help she needs. Whether it be meds, special education, tutoring, and testing or a combination of it all. It is a problem I am taking care of. Like I always do, and always will. That's what parenting is. Its making the choices, trying out options, sacrificing a little, hoping you make the right choices and that little girl will benefit from your hard work. I don't care how many pillow pets or shoes you buy a kid. They will always remember who fought for them, cared for them, supported and loved them. When she breaks her leg, or needs a shot how handy will all those toys be? When she is in 5th grade and reading at a 3rd grade level, then will it be a problem? Will her new kicks help her through that? Nobody has to agree with me and my choices. Unless you pushed this child out of your whooha you don't get to say anything. Unless you pay for her needs, her wants and her necessities you don't get to decide what kind of care I pay for. Until you can function like an adult, don't try to tell others how they should live or how to parent.